Tuesday, January 29, 2013
These words are a reminder of how much my soul needs Christ. In my own strength I cannot possibly be joyful in hope. Patient in affliction. Faithful in prayer. I have seen too much hurt and rejection, been too easily distracted. My wandering eyes have pursued joy in so many other ways - putting my hope in their unfulfilled promises. But today I see these words and I'm overwhelmed with the peace that they bring. The life they breath. Not in my strength but in Christ alone can I practice joy in hope, patience in trials, and constant prayer. I will fix my eyes on Him and refuse another way.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Today was about laughter and silliness and appreciation and love; it was about gratitude and relationships and time together.
Today was not supposed to be sad.
And yet the sadness still crept in, uninvited, and found its' way into my heart. I told it to leave and it refused. I pleaded with it not to expose itself and it fought with me until it nearly won.
This is the war of my heart right now; this struggle of wanting the normality of life and going through the motions as if life has become this new kind of normal, only to be sideswiped and overcome by the sadness.
So what do I do with it? Do I dwell on it and let my life be consumed by it? Do I even acknowledge it, or should I go on with the 'normal' I've found and ignore the rest?
There were a thousand thoughts running through my head. A whole speech I had planned and rehearsed over and over and over again. Ready to deliver the moment I saw you. I had angry words and a heart full of bitterness. You left me - you embarrased me and hurt my heart more than I knew was possible. I finally learned that heartbreak is real and painful and unfair and ugly. You reassured me I was your best friend so without hesitation I trusted you with my whole heart. Yet in a matter of moments the words slip so easily from your lips that I am not the one you want. Your feelings changed and you wanted to just undo the past few months and pretend that we didn't cross into treacherous territory. You wanted to just be friends. I feared losing you completely so I went along with it. I stuffed all of the hurt into a tiny space in my heart and I went along with the game. I cried. I hated you. I hated myself for believing you, for not trusting my instincts. I poured out my heart and tears in the quietness of my room and then I put the mask back on and attempted to be friends again. Why did I do that?? Why didn't I let my heart grieve? Why didn't I tell you how you hurt me? I feared what others would think of me. I wanted to be strong and I didn't want you to have the satisfaction of knowing I loved you just that much. But I did. For as much as my heart knew about love, I loved you. But it wasn't healthy and I wasn't kind to myself the way I should have been so I cried over you more days than I should have and I played the What If game longer than I needed to.
my blog is currently suffering from an identity crisis. it doesn't know who it is or what it wants to be. it's been over a year since there's been even slight activity. it's not for lack of material - my life and my soul are longing to be written down. documented. what is it that stops me? fear? crazed schedules? a full-time job? a part-time job? social life? i've let life happen and i've neglected the thing that used to help me process. but not anymore. maybe no one sees this and it won't matter anyway, but for the one who does, i have a life and a story to share and i won't stop until i'm heard.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
the sun will rise
the sun will rise
when you've lost your light
the sun will rise
it'll be alright
Sometimes I need the reminder that tomorrow is a new day. That tomorrow puts the troubles and worries of today behind it and that tomorrow promises all the goodness and joy and hope that today started out with. Tomorrow has the potential to be great.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
What I need is...the promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again. -Katniss Everdeen